Xephos' War Stories was the fourteenth episode of the YoGPoD. It was created and produced by Simon and Lewis.

Official Description Edit

"Electrocution, hitting people with axes and holding your poo for a week are in today's exciting new episode!"

Transcript Edit

There will be casual swearing involved. You have been warned.

This transcript is a work in progress. If you would like to assist, please continue the transcription process from the timestamp indicated at the end of the transcript. When you are finished/need to go, please mark the last transcripted word with a timestamp. Thanks!

Simon sighs and groans.

Lewis: Umm...

Simon: I'm gonna pat my belly.

Simon pats his belly.

Simon: Ahh, that's better.

Lewis: Okay.

Simon sighs then laughs.

Simon: It's almost believable that, I need my belly to be pat, to be patted, like at certain times during the day, otherwise I get like really ill. It's like "Oh it's- it's time for Simon's belly patting."

Simon laughs.

Simon: Can you imagine that? We're in- we're in a pub somewhere and it's time for my belly pattin'. And I have to- I have to lie down on the floor, in the busy bar, and you have to just pat my belly for me.

Simon laughs.

Lewis: Oh my God, I cannot wait for this day. Cannot wait for this day.

Lewis laughs.

Simon: You have to explain to people "Oh it's- it's alright, it won't take long I've- I've just got to pat his belly.

Lewis: Laughing. It's alright, it won't take long. I like the way that's the first thing you explain to them like "Sorry we're taking up your valuable time here" not like trying to explain, you know, anything like why- why you have to do it, you know. There's no embarrassment there.

Simon: No it's fine, you know you have to be matter-of-fact about these things. "Simon he just needs his belly patting, just hang on, hang on."

Simon pats his belly.

Simon: Laughing. There we go.

Music starts playing.

Lewis: Hello, to the YoGPod. Honeydew's about to tell us of the time he got electrocuted. I've been electrocuted but you can go first.

Simon: Okay, so I was at umm a pal's house.

Lewis: Who?

Simon: Umm... He- He's called James actually. It's a different James, to the other James I've mentioned.

Lewis: Okay. Are all your friends called James?

Simon: Yes. Yes. Except well there's Jimmy, and Jimbo, and Jimbob.

Lewis: We were born in a time when there were a lot of Jameses. I remember there were at least four Jameses in my class, when I was at school.

Simon: When I was born I was actually called James,

Lewis: Right...

Simon: But I changed my name, by deed poll-

Lewis: Okay.

Simon: to Simon. Okay I was at a friend's house and it was a really old building in the countryside, it was like hundreds of years old. Uh, electricity was put in, umm in like the fifties, and it hadn't been updated since then. So it's got really shitty wiring in a really old house that wasn't built to have wiring in it. And it was the middle of the night, we were sat around, we might have taken some... substances that affect how your mind works, let's just say.

Lewis: Oh gosh, how old were you? I was thinking you were about thirteen.

Simon: I don't know. No, no, no, I was in my twenties, certainly, early twenties.

Lewis: Oh god.

Simon: Some point.

Lewis: So about my age.

Lewis and Simon laugh.

Simon: You're not in your early twenties are you? You're in your mid twenties.

Lewis: Shut up!

Simon: So, at this pal's house, might've smoked something, so-

Lewis: Was it just you and him, smoking weed?

Simon: No, no, no, there was quite a few people. We'd had bacon sandwiches and stuff after going to the pub.

Lewis: Right.

Simon: And we had a few more drinks and a smoke, we were satting around in a very bright kitchen. But-

Lewis: Satting around.

Simon: Yeah, satting around. The electricity wasn't working in a lot of the rest of the house-

Lewis: Why, do people always sit in kitchens, at parties? Have you noticed how people always tend to like, stand around in the kitchen?

Simon: It's the cool place to be, it's where the beer is kept.

Lewis: It's where the drinks are, so people tend to just follow other people there.

Simon: So, there was a problem with the electricity and the lighting in some rooms of the house, that hadn't been fixed. And, I wander off on my own to find the toilet, and I was a little bit unfamiliar with this house. And I'm wandering around in the dark upstairs, trying to find the loo. And it was really spooky room, because it had like stuffed animals in it. And it was dark, and you could just see like the outlines of a stuffed beaver, and stuff. You know, with its little eyes, just kind of staring at you.

Lewis: Right. So, let me set the scene, it's... It's about, midnight or probably about one in the morning.

Simon: Probably about two or something in the morning.

Lewis: Probably about two in the morning. You come back from the pub with James and some of your mates. No attractive girls there obviously. You're standing around, satting around in the kitchen smoking a joint.

Simon: Satting around.

Simon laughs.

Lewis: You need to have a pee, so you head upstairs in the dark, you know fumbling around. You're a bit paranoid because of the weed and the alcohol, and you're a bit tired, and you're a bit sort of... Obviously it's been quite a distance to get up these sort of rickety old stairs in this old house to the bathroom, you're not quite sure where you are, you've stumbled into some room with some stuffed animals in it. Okay?

Simon: The floorboards creak, the stuffed animals staring at me.

Lewis: You can no longer see or hear the sounds of your friends in the kitchen.

Simon: Exactly.

Lewis: The wind whistles under the door.

Simon: It was dark and silent, and I'm like walking through this... This room seemed just so long it seemed to go on forever, and I was almost tripping over some old rugs that were lying down on the floorboards.

Lewis: You were tripping.

Simon: I was tripping, there were these weird stuffed animals just, fucking everywhere. Like on the walls, it was weird.

Lewis: Nailed to the walls.

Lewis chuckles

Simon: I can see like a rectangular outline that seems darker than the rest of the darkness around me. And I can see, you know, that's clearly a room, and it's probably the toilet. So I'm heading towards that, that pitch-black outine ahead me. And I reach it, and it's now very very dark, I can't see fucking anything at all. And I've got like a hand on the doorframe and I'm trying to find the light switch. Okay, we're coming close to the moment.

Lewis: Of course, this is before the days of mobile phones, when people would just use your mobile phone as like a flashlight. Obviously-

Simon: Yeah, yeah.

Lewis: Your mobile phone was probably about the size of a small suitcase back then.

Simon: No, that was the battery, the battery was the suitcase-

Lewis: Oh, sorry.

Simon: And you had to carry that around with the phone. So I've got my hand on the doorframe and I'm fumbling trying to find where the light switch is, 'cause I'm assuming that it is outside of the toilet. So I'm looking for this light switch, and suddenly, somebody grasps my hand in the darkness.

Lewis: Duh duh duh!

Simon: Someone puts their hand tightly around my fingers, and they're gripping on really hard. And I'm struggling to get my hand away, but I can't they've got it gripped really tight. And I'm panicking, I'm not saying anything, I'm just too scared to say a word. I don't know who this is, who's got me gripped... It's just so weird and scary. And I manage to wrestle my hand away.

Lewis: Right, right.

Simon: And I'm like, I'm wildly looking around, not really reacting, I'm sweating, and I'm clammy, I don't know what the fuck is going on. And um... I manage to find the light switch, and I flick it on, and I see, outside next to the doorframe, a hole in the wall, with wires coming out of it. That was what had gripped my hand. I put my hand into this hole, touching the bare wires, that electrocuted me. And it felt like someone was holding me.

Lewis: That's terrifying Simon.

Simon: Isn't that horrible?

Lewis: That's terrifying, oh my God. I've got a much better story than that.

Simon: Have you?

Lewis: Not quite as, nightmarishly terrifying though, bloody hell... This is when I was about... Twenty, living in a student house. We had one bathroom that was downstairs and... The light bulb went in it.

Simon: It's always the fucking bathroom isn't it? It's always the bathrooom.

Lewis: And the light bulb. Right? So the light bulb had gone in it, so like students, we sort of didn't do anything about it. We replaced the light bulb, but it didn't make any difference. So we went for about two weeks having like candles in there, so you know like taking a dump by candlelight that's kind of pretty weird, and stuff like that.

Simon: Ah, that's so romantic.

Lewis: That's pretty weird. Anyway, it came time to-

Simon: Your girlfriend's there, holding your hand, whilst you're taking a shit.

Lewis and Simon laugh.

Lewis: It came time to-

Simon: She's like... Sat in the bath with like all these oils and this foam... Just holding your hand.

Lewis: It wasn't that big, it didn't have a bath. She'd be standing in the shower holding my hand.

Simon: Standing in the shower, holding your hand whilst you're on the toilet having a dump.

Lewis: Anyway, 'cause we didn't have a lock on our bathroom door either, because... Previously, we had managed to lock the bathroom door from the other side and couldn't get in. It was really weird how we managed to do it because it was like- I don't know how we did it in fact, but, it was locked and we couldn't get in. So we had to like, bash the door down. So the door was kind of slightly off it's hinges anyway. Problem is-

Simon: So, you've got a shared bathroom in a student house, that's always candlelit, with no lock on the door.

Lewis: Yeah.

Simon: That is so weird.

Lewis: But the door was kind of slightly off it's hinges, so you just had to like lift the door back into position when you went in the bathroom.

Simon: Jesus Christ. Wouldn't it be easier to go into the back garden and take a shit, like on the lawn or something?

Lewis laughs.

Lewis: Anyway, we went in the bathroom, took the door off it's hinges, got like a stool from the kitchen and I was like fiddling around with the light fixture. Obviously, because the light had been turned on and off at the switch so many times, we weren't quite sure whether the light bulb was on or off. So when I was fiddling with the electrics I thought, you know, it would be dangerous to have it on, so we want to make sure that it's off. So we looked at the other light switches in the house to see which way is off. Obviously, because that's how it works isn't it. So we switched it to the off setting, I was fiddling around with the wires, and I realized one of the wires had come loose, so I reconnected it, and got a massive jolt of mains electricity, whatever it is 240 volts, got blown off the stool I was standing on, like crashed into the door, and fell on to the floor.

Simon: Holy shit.

Lewis: And I like... Passed out. But it was a weird sensation, because... I've been electrocuted a few times in my life, like, one time when we were on Duke of Edinburgh I was climbing over an electric fence. And I didn't realize it was an electric fence 'cause I touched it, right? And it wasn't electric, it didn't electrocute me. So I was like, "oh, that's fine." So I touched it again, "oh, it can't be electric." So I started to climb over it, but electric fences don't have continuous electricity, they have pulsing. So they only pulse like once every second or something--

Simon: Yeah.

Lewis: So if you just touch it and let it go it won't electrocute you. So I got about halfway over the fence and suddenly I felt this massive jolt of electricity in my like, leg. And then like completely just like, spasmed--

Simon: Oh god, wouldn't it be horrible to have your balls, like touching it, and it shocked you in the balls.

Lewis: Well, it was my upper leg. And I got one in the upper leg, one in the arm and one in my hand as I like pushed myself off of it. Oh, it was awful. But every time that happens, I sort of feel my heart, like--

Simon: Oh my god.

Lewis: Like, the pain in my heart a little bit. And it was the same thing I felt when I got blown off the chair when I was fucking with my bathroom light fixture.

Simon: I've had the same sensation, as well. On 9/11. My heart felt like it stopped. I felt such pain in my heart Lewis, such pain.

Lewis: Well, there is a sort of phenomenon isn't there. When something really like-- You see something really shocking or... Um... Something happens really quickly where you get shocked your heart does like, suddenly pound in your chest doesn't it? It's that sort of reaction. But I think it was more to do with electricity, the thing I felt. But it might not be, it might've just be the awareness of me, that I had just been electrocuted and that... That... Shock. Rather than the electric shock.

Simon: You should've been stoned at the time, when you were electrocuted. Because I mean, I wasn't affected by it at all. I was just, so sedated at the time, that it had no affect on me whatsoever. Or did it?

Lewis: It hits you pretty hard, mains electricity. It hits you bloody hard.

Simon: Maybe I was normal before. Well... It was an old house, So... It might not have been the strongest electricity. It might've been really old electricity, from the 1950s (Lewis laughs). That had just been humming around the house, for fifty odd years.

Lewis: The ghost of electricity you mean.

Simon: Yeah.

Lewis: Like an electricity ghost.

Simon: The ghost of electricity.

Lewis and Simon chuckle.

Lewis: Really old electricity.